Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Bloody internet 😳
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*