“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
You Might Also Like
Happy Star Wars day!
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?