Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Holy moly
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?