btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0