Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
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Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
#ParentingFacts
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?