I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
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A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.