Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
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You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money