How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
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Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long