Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.