What
You Might Also Like
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My Plans 2020
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
This could be us… but you playing
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ