When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
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date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.