Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”