Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
You Might Also Like
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis