My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.