my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible