My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
He is just living hist best little life 😊
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.