-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.