My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side