All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner