ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
A leaf blower, but for people.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.