181.
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This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Yup
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Natural selection at its finest
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text