PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ