I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
You Might Also Like
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*mops up wine with cat*
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
the answer was staring at me all along
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
yes… yes…
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?