Make new friends? bro out of what?
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
starting a garage orchestra
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.