There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?