me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Feel. He’s so soft.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
#FunnyLife Insects
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
work smarter, not harder
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda