30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
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[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.