Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
What the hell happened here.