Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
What the dentist sees
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.