her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
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The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.