I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: