Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
You Might Also Like
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Kermit goes Blue.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
ready to be harvested
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute