Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
all that yoga finally paid off
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?