If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
mmm onion ringos
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.