“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.