*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.