A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I need to get some bricks…
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
#Caturday
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.