Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
It鈥檚 legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here鈥檚 the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple鈥攐h my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
馃馃槀馃槀
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.