I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.