Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
You Might Also Like
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!