murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
AM I BEING GASLIT????
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My work here is done
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds