*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Krampus.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.