My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.