A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
In Canada they just call them geese
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
BRAKING NEWS!!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.