My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Sheep
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone