Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take