The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.