What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.