Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!