[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Travel bloggers during quarantine
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees